I seem to be collecting song titles for blog posts. That's okay, "Spirit in the Sky" is one of my favorite songs. :-) Beatles Pandora is awesome for finding old songs and making me happy.
Speaking of things of that nature, I have been trying to reconcile myself with God. This has been happening for many years unsuccessfully, so I'm not really sure how I'll do. I consider myself Buddhist but I have never really broken ties with the Bible or with God. I love the Psalms, I really relate to David's "realness." He was close to God but he was honest that sometimes he felt really ticked about certain things. When he would lose a battle or have a setback in his life, he would be yelling at God through poetry, often just asking, "Where are you? You promised never to leave me." Sometimes he comes to the realization that God is with him but sometimes is just so upset he leaves it as it stands, with no sense of reconciliation. It makes me relax to know that I'm not alone this way.
My relationship with God has been dicey since I was a kid. I won't share all of it, but I distinctly remember having a fracturing with my relationship with God when I was six or seven years old. My parents had punished me for some reason or another, I don't remember, except that I was always in trouble for something. :-D I went to my room and had been reading my Bible, or rather the inserts inside the Bible, for information about God. I read at an adult level by the time I was in the eighth grade, but at six or seven the Bible was just boring to me. However, I did like the inserts in the middle that told me about God. But that day I read it, and I said, "I can't honor my parents, so God will kill me when I'm 9!" Obviously I made it beyond 9 years old to 29, but it definitely changed my perspective on God.
As I hit my teenage years, my relationship with God was totally warped. Having experienced the full range of abuse from the full range of people, I saw God as someone who was very distant, angry all the time, and never completely satisfied. I felt like I had to earn everything I got from him, and if I failed in some way, then the relationship was bust and I would have to start all over again. I realize I got a lot of this from my mom and dad, who my relationship was very similar in a lot of respects. I have heard that children form a relationship with God based on their parents. I can definitely believe it. I had no friends in high school or anyone to confide in except my guidance counselor. My parents were my only source of human interaction and I think it caused me a lot of problems, my relationship with God being one of the things that was compromised.
I finally became a Christian when I was 20. I have never really had a steady relationship with God since then. It was often cyclical, going through intense periods of doubt and adoration. I'm sure I must have driven him crazy with my mood swings. :-D
I am starting to heal though, out of necessity when I realized he was really the only person I could depend on. This morning I watched Joyce Meyer for the first time in a very long time, and received some benefit with it. For those of you who have an opinion of Joyce Meyer, keep it to yourself. I could care less what she does with her personal life and I don't donate to her ministry. I just know that she has really encouraged me when I was feeling down. I started reading my Bible and got frustrated, tried reading something else and got frustrated. Finally I just said to God, I don't think I can be the perfect Christian. I felt him "say" that I didn't have to be. It isn't really a life-changing epiphany, but it's at least a start.
My fiancé has said to me that I am too hard on myself. And I know I am, I have a dichotomous way of thinking. Either I have to be perfect or I'm a failure, there is really not a middle ground for me. For me, if I go to church for awhile and attend every Bible study, then I think I'm doing great. But if I miss church and want to get away for awhile and go meditate, I feel like I've failed God and failed my fiancé and no one will love me. I'm not particularly satisfied with thinking this way. I know intellectually that God will love me unconditionally. But I don't know if I've ever had anyone love me anywhere close to unconditionally. I have nothing to base it on.
But, I will still fight for my middle ground. I know that sounds goofy, to press for something in the middle. But I would love to be able to say to myself, "You're good sometimes, you suck sometimes. But all of that does not make you who you are." :-)
I am sorry for rambling on like this, but it does me good to get this out of my system. Blogging is cheaper then therapy, and you guys seem to enjoy my posts, so I will keep posting them. Thank you for being a part of my journey.
With gratitude, tolerance, and self-acceptance,
Shelly
Speaking of things of that nature, I have been trying to reconcile myself with God. This has been happening for many years unsuccessfully, so I'm not really sure how I'll do. I consider myself Buddhist but I have never really broken ties with the Bible or with God. I love the Psalms, I really relate to David's "realness." He was close to God but he was honest that sometimes he felt really ticked about certain things. When he would lose a battle or have a setback in his life, he would be yelling at God through poetry, often just asking, "Where are you? You promised never to leave me." Sometimes he comes to the realization that God is with him but sometimes is just so upset he leaves it as it stands, with no sense of reconciliation. It makes me relax to know that I'm not alone this way.
My relationship with God has been dicey since I was a kid. I won't share all of it, but I distinctly remember having a fracturing with my relationship with God when I was six or seven years old. My parents had punished me for some reason or another, I don't remember, except that I was always in trouble for something. :-D I went to my room and had been reading my Bible, or rather the inserts inside the Bible, for information about God. I read at an adult level by the time I was in the eighth grade, but at six or seven the Bible was just boring to me. However, I did like the inserts in the middle that told me about God. But that day I read it, and I said, "I can't honor my parents, so God will kill me when I'm 9!" Obviously I made it beyond 9 years old to 29, but it definitely changed my perspective on God.
As I hit my teenage years, my relationship with God was totally warped. Having experienced the full range of abuse from the full range of people, I saw God as someone who was very distant, angry all the time, and never completely satisfied. I felt like I had to earn everything I got from him, and if I failed in some way, then the relationship was bust and I would have to start all over again. I realize I got a lot of this from my mom and dad, who my relationship was very similar in a lot of respects. I have heard that children form a relationship with God based on their parents. I can definitely believe it. I had no friends in high school or anyone to confide in except my guidance counselor. My parents were my only source of human interaction and I think it caused me a lot of problems, my relationship with God being one of the things that was compromised.
I finally became a Christian when I was 20. I have never really had a steady relationship with God since then. It was often cyclical, going through intense periods of doubt and adoration. I'm sure I must have driven him crazy with my mood swings. :-D
I am starting to heal though, out of necessity when I realized he was really the only person I could depend on. This morning I watched Joyce Meyer for the first time in a very long time, and received some benefit with it. For those of you who have an opinion of Joyce Meyer, keep it to yourself. I could care less what she does with her personal life and I don't donate to her ministry. I just know that she has really encouraged me when I was feeling down. I started reading my Bible and got frustrated, tried reading something else and got frustrated. Finally I just said to God, I don't think I can be the perfect Christian. I felt him "say" that I didn't have to be. It isn't really a life-changing epiphany, but it's at least a start.
My fiancé has said to me that I am too hard on myself. And I know I am, I have a dichotomous way of thinking. Either I have to be perfect or I'm a failure, there is really not a middle ground for me. For me, if I go to church for awhile and attend every Bible study, then I think I'm doing great. But if I miss church and want to get away for awhile and go meditate, I feel like I've failed God and failed my fiancé and no one will love me. I'm not particularly satisfied with thinking this way. I know intellectually that God will love me unconditionally. But I don't know if I've ever had anyone love me anywhere close to unconditionally. I have nothing to base it on.
But, I will still fight for my middle ground. I know that sounds goofy, to press for something in the middle. But I would love to be able to say to myself, "You're good sometimes, you suck sometimes. But all of that does not make you who you are." :-)
I am sorry for rambling on like this, but it does me good to get this out of my system. Blogging is cheaper then therapy, and you guys seem to enjoy my posts, so I will keep posting them. Thank you for being a part of my journey.
With gratitude, tolerance, and self-acceptance,
Shelly