I never really knew how important it was to be myself.
I received some devastating news today. I'm not going to share it to protect the parties involved, but needless to say it sucked. I have been dealing with some intense waves of self-doubt, as you read in the previous post. I had never really admitted to myself that I was last on my priority list, and I had lost my identity in the process.
I became a Buddhist in 2009 after doing some research and falling in love with Eastern religion. My parents hated it, having been devout Christians their whole lives. My first fiance (Bryan is my second) was a divinity student and forced me to come to church with him and shoved religion down my throat on a regular basis. My heart was broken because I heard the people cheering and "amen"ing to the fact that gay people were going to hell (and I myself am bisexual, I just happen to date men most of the time) I broke down in tears and stormed out of the church crying. And no one said anything or even noticed, including my (first) fiance that was totally engrossed in the sermon. I never really had the churching spirit after that.
When I left my first fiance and moved to St Louis, I violently shifted back and forth from being an uber-Bible thumper to a card-carrying lesbian that went to gay bars four or five times a week. I am proud of neither, but regret neither. It is what it is. It was such a violent seismic shift between the two lifestyles that I felt comfortable with neither. I didn't think either side would be keen on knowing the other side. I went to church in the same denomination and prayed that I wouldn't say anything "too gay" and out myself.
When I met my now fiance Bryan, he provided a sense of stability that I didn't have before and eventually I was able to calm down a bit. He was open to my Buddhist inclinations, and I decided to start attending meditation retreats. My parents freaked out and relatives began calling me demanding an explanation. But I had none to give. I just liked the way I felt. I went to the monastery and felt a tremendous release of pressure. I have always been a tense person, because of my upbringing and subsequent issues I just couldn't relax. But when I meditated and went to Augusta, MO for weekly services and vegetarian lunch, I started to relax, I started to come alive again.
Bryan is a devout Catholic and appeared to feel pressured by my adamant stance against Christianity and Christians. It caused a few fights, and I became so discouraged that I went BACK to church. Unfortunately, when I began attending church my veganism began to slip away amongst meat, egg, and dairy-filled dinners and potlucks. I felt discouraged. And then came the news today. I knew then I had to make a change.
I have a friend, lets call them Friend X. Friend X in their own unique way embodied what I felt was my hidden personality. Friend X was a Buddhist, dressed the way I wanted to dress, wore their hair the way I wanted to, and had the life that I wanted to have. Friend X and I hit it off immediately because I admired them. I wanted to find my own way and be this idea of a person I have in my head. I was not inspired by Friend X to become the caricature, it just happened to play out that way. But my lack of a healthy relationship with myself was so intense that Friend X got overwhelmed by being around me and now Friend X is an X Friend. I have always regretted that.
I have started to think that maybe there is still hope for gaining that part of my personality back. I know what I want to be and what I would be if given the option. For instance, I have always wanted to go to cosmetology school, but my parents pooh-poohed the idea because it wasn't going to make me enough money. Because of that, they refused to pay for it. They began pushing me towards working in the medical field and becoming their idea of a perfect daughter. I just couldn't handle it, it became too much pressure and I eventually shut down and ended up stagnating.
But...
I have ever the slightest bit of hope glimmering over the horizon. My friends that I am on the Beachbody team with are mostly Christian, and I don't judge at all. I think if it works for them, that's fantastic. But they have helped me come out of my shell a bit, plus my fiance and his endless supplies of support (In fact, I think the Serbian Chef makes up a new batch of support every day, as well as excellent food). I am not afraid of hoping and I know that I will change for the better.
With Hope, Determination, and Self-Love,
Shelly
I received some devastating news today. I'm not going to share it to protect the parties involved, but needless to say it sucked. I have been dealing with some intense waves of self-doubt, as you read in the previous post. I had never really admitted to myself that I was last on my priority list, and I had lost my identity in the process.
I became a Buddhist in 2009 after doing some research and falling in love with Eastern religion. My parents hated it, having been devout Christians their whole lives. My first fiance (Bryan is my second) was a divinity student and forced me to come to church with him and shoved religion down my throat on a regular basis. My heart was broken because I heard the people cheering and "amen"ing to the fact that gay people were going to hell (and I myself am bisexual, I just happen to date men most of the time) I broke down in tears and stormed out of the church crying. And no one said anything or even noticed, including my (first) fiance that was totally engrossed in the sermon. I never really had the churching spirit after that.
When I left my first fiance and moved to St Louis, I violently shifted back and forth from being an uber-Bible thumper to a card-carrying lesbian that went to gay bars four or five times a week. I am proud of neither, but regret neither. It is what it is. It was such a violent seismic shift between the two lifestyles that I felt comfortable with neither. I didn't think either side would be keen on knowing the other side. I went to church in the same denomination and prayed that I wouldn't say anything "too gay" and out myself.
When I met my now fiance Bryan, he provided a sense of stability that I didn't have before and eventually I was able to calm down a bit. He was open to my Buddhist inclinations, and I decided to start attending meditation retreats. My parents freaked out and relatives began calling me demanding an explanation. But I had none to give. I just liked the way I felt. I went to the monastery and felt a tremendous release of pressure. I have always been a tense person, because of my upbringing and subsequent issues I just couldn't relax. But when I meditated and went to Augusta, MO for weekly services and vegetarian lunch, I started to relax, I started to come alive again.
Bryan is a devout Catholic and appeared to feel pressured by my adamant stance against Christianity and Christians. It caused a few fights, and I became so discouraged that I went BACK to church. Unfortunately, when I began attending church my veganism began to slip away amongst meat, egg, and dairy-filled dinners and potlucks. I felt discouraged. And then came the news today. I knew then I had to make a change.
I have a friend, lets call them Friend X. Friend X in their own unique way embodied what I felt was my hidden personality. Friend X was a Buddhist, dressed the way I wanted to dress, wore their hair the way I wanted to, and had the life that I wanted to have. Friend X and I hit it off immediately because I admired them. I wanted to find my own way and be this idea of a person I have in my head. I was not inspired by Friend X to become the caricature, it just happened to play out that way. But my lack of a healthy relationship with myself was so intense that Friend X got overwhelmed by being around me and now Friend X is an X Friend. I have always regretted that.
I have started to think that maybe there is still hope for gaining that part of my personality back. I know what I want to be and what I would be if given the option. For instance, I have always wanted to go to cosmetology school, but my parents pooh-poohed the idea because it wasn't going to make me enough money. Because of that, they refused to pay for it. They began pushing me towards working in the medical field and becoming their idea of a perfect daughter. I just couldn't handle it, it became too much pressure and I eventually shut down and ended up stagnating.
But...
I have ever the slightest bit of hope glimmering over the horizon. My friends that I am on the Beachbody team with are mostly Christian, and I don't judge at all. I think if it works for them, that's fantastic. But they have helped me come out of my shell a bit, plus my fiance and his endless supplies of support (In fact, I think the Serbian Chef makes up a new batch of support every day, as well as excellent food). I am not afraid of hoping and I know that I will change for the better.
With Hope, Determination, and Self-Love,
Shelly