Sorry I haven't written in awhile. I have been busy. I have gotten a volunteer position at a hospital here in St Louis, and I have been going through some basic screenings and tests before I get hired. :-) Nothing too serious, but I did get poked and prodded a few times and had my first test result was a negative, which is a good thing! I will go back next Wednesday to get the second part of the test. I should be starting the actual position on the 22nd of April, and I can't wait.
I feel that I should wax poetical a little bit, as I usually do in blog posts, but this is an unusual one so bear with me. I have been tapering off of a med I have been on for over 11 years. After quitting three of my medications cold turkey (don't try this at home! Always consult your doctor first!), I had two left and I had consenting opinions from two different doctors that the heavy dose of antipsychotics was medically unnecessary and probably doing more harm than good. So over the past two months I have been tapering off that med.
Surprisingly, the more I decreased the med, the more sane I got, just as I did when I decreased the other med. Not only that, 80 mgs was pretty much the appetite breaking point. I noticed on the first day that I ate normally, but I was full for the entire day after two meals. Today I have eaten significantly less. I mentioned on my Facebook page that I ate like I did when I was 12. It wasn't particularly extraordinary when I was 12, I just ate what I wanted and stopped when I was done. I weighed under 100 pounds until I was about 12 and then I weighed around 105-115 until I was put on my first antipsychotic med at 14. I gained a ton of weight and it started a cycle of gains and crazy medication cycles that lasted for the better part of 8 years.
It's weird, but I felt a sense of closure recently about my medication cycles and my obsession with food. It is simply gone. Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to a light dinner tonight and the amazing vegetarian food at MABA, but I don't feel the need to compulsively eat everything in the fridge. And the weight is falling off. It's all very foreign and strange to me.
Equally strange is the gradual increase towards sanity the more meds I decrease. It raises several questions about the doctors of my childhood, my parents' role in the whole thing, and also the role of the two unwelcome advances in my childhood. I am not that hung up on my parents' role though. Parenting is kind of a trial and error thing, and I was the first kid, so this was probably foreign territory to them. I do have a lot of unanswered questions, but getting answers out of my parents is pretty much impossible. I don't judge though. Sometimes it's just easier to admit some things than others and I don't want to cause all kinds of unnecessary issues with my parents.
Not only do I see it as kind of odd, but I realized I have spent more than 20 years on meds that may or may not have been necessary. I had a lot of issues related to these meds, the least of which being that I had a huge weight gain of 115 pounds. I don't mind the weight or any of these issues, but it does kind of present a "Now what?" kind of idea in my head. Like, this has been a battle my whole life, and now it is no longer a battle. Now what do I do with myself? I am not sure exactly what that will entail, but I get the feeling it will be positive.
Thanks for bearing with this long post. Have an awesome day and expect some more posts along the way.
With metta,
Shelly
I feel that I should wax poetical a little bit, as I usually do in blog posts, but this is an unusual one so bear with me. I have been tapering off of a med I have been on for over 11 years. After quitting three of my medications cold turkey (don't try this at home! Always consult your doctor first!), I had two left and I had consenting opinions from two different doctors that the heavy dose of antipsychotics was medically unnecessary and probably doing more harm than good. So over the past two months I have been tapering off that med.
Surprisingly, the more I decreased the med, the more sane I got, just as I did when I decreased the other med. Not only that, 80 mgs was pretty much the appetite breaking point. I noticed on the first day that I ate normally, but I was full for the entire day after two meals. Today I have eaten significantly less. I mentioned on my Facebook page that I ate like I did when I was 12. It wasn't particularly extraordinary when I was 12, I just ate what I wanted and stopped when I was done. I weighed under 100 pounds until I was about 12 and then I weighed around 105-115 until I was put on my first antipsychotic med at 14. I gained a ton of weight and it started a cycle of gains and crazy medication cycles that lasted for the better part of 8 years.
It's weird, but I felt a sense of closure recently about my medication cycles and my obsession with food. It is simply gone. Don't get me wrong, I am looking forward to a light dinner tonight and the amazing vegetarian food at MABA, but I don't feel the need to compulsively eat everything in the fridge. And the weight is falling off. It's all very foreign and strange to me.
Equally strange is the gradual increase towards sanity the more meds I decrease. It raises several questions about the doctors of my childhood, my parents' role in the whole thing, and also the role of the two unwelcome advances in my childhood. I am not that hung up on my parents' role though. Parenting is kind of a trial and error thing, and I was the first kid, so this was probably foreign territory to them. I do have a lot of unanswered questions, but getting answers out of my parents is pretty much impossible. I don't judge though. Sometimes it's just easier to admit some things than others and I don't want to cause all kinds of unnecessary issues with my parents.
Not only do I see it as kind of odd, but I realized I have spent more than 20 years on meds that may or may not have been necessary. I had a lot of issues related to these meds, the least of which being that I had a huge weight gain of 115 pounds. I don't mind the weight or any of these issues, but it does kind of present a "Now what?" kind of idea in my head. Like, this has been a battle my whole life, and now it is no longer a battle. Now what do I do with myself? I am not sure exactly what that will entail, but I get the feeling it will be positive.
Thanks for bearing with this long post. Have an awesome day and expect some more posts along the way.
With metta,
Shelly