And just like that, an illumination.
I am not a big believer in enlightenment as a fixed point in time. You get "enlightened" as it were, in small doses. I'm not entirely sure that it comes by fanfare and delightful visions, but in subtle realizations along the way.
I have been reading Brad Warner's Hardcore Zen and Sex, Sin, and Zen. I have always liked his style of writing but I had almost thrown the book across the room in frustration at the concept of "no-self." Obviously there is a self, I rationalized, otherwise who is reading the book (and getting increasingly frustrated at it?)? If there isn't a self, then why continue to take care of the body I was given by chance? Obviously, that is a nihilistic and ultimately uber-extreme interpretation of what he was saying. So I was at a point of being totally confused.
I received a little insight into this concept during my time out in civilization today. I have been mostly sticking around home feeling sorry for myself, but since it was the start of a new month I decided not to feel sorry for myself for a little while and get out of the house. I started travelling towards the community college, since I had taken a semester off to get my butt in gear and had pretty much stagnated from that point on. My parents have been wanting me to get back into school and try to get a volunteer position at a hospital here in St Louis so I could get some experience in medical clerical work so I could get a basic job to support my tuition fees as well as pay for my expenses. I have been fighting them for some time.
It wasn't that I was afraid of the actual process of applying for the volunteer position and going to school and reapplying for the certification program. It was something a little bit deeper, and in a sense more shallow. I don't care if my parents are right or I'm right or someone else is right in the long run, it is irrelevant. It was a deeper sense of acknowledging that I couldn't chase pipe dreams my whole life, and long for a distant future that would never happen. I was basically pursuing something that was illusory, because I didn't want to face the reality that the dreams I had would most likely not come to pass.
But, I sucked it up and went to the college, after a light meal to muster up my courage. I went to the school, took a deep breath, and went in.
It was uneventful. I was told to set an appointment with someone who would add me back on the roster for the HIT (Health Information Technology) program and I could probably start next year after I completed the Medical Terminology class. Just like that, I was in and out in five minutes. I decided if it was that easy, I would call the hospital to set up an interview. I figured that I was just building up this notion in my head and it probably wasn't going to be as bad as I thought it would.
True to my instinct, it was a 30-second call, I was booked for the next information session on the 8th and that was it. No fancy fixings, just like that it was over.
So what does that have to do with no-self? Bear with me, folks, I'm getting to it.
I realized that I was something more than the sum of my parts. It sounds otherworldly and shit, but seriously, I just thought about how I had put this off and I was damaging myself as well as the livelihood of other people in my life by simply remaining stagnant. I was keeping myself from growing emotionally, from stepping out of my comfort zone. I saw, in a subtle way, that my actions affected the livelihood and actions of other folks. If I didn't step out and volunteer, for instance, someone who needed help from a volunteer would not get that help. My fiancé would have to keep convincing me that I was worth investing in, a task that is no doubt exhausting. My parents would keep being nervous that I would never find a job or listen to them in any way. I realized, in a sense, that I was not an entity all to myself. My actions affected others.
Maybe it seems straightforward and obvious. But just because something is straightforward and obvious to one person doesn't make it so to another person. And that's why enlightenment can never be a fixed point, because there are so many things that come as an illumination along the way that are different for everyone. That's all it is, turning on a light in a room that was dark before. It's not as mythical as it sounds, nor is it the end. More illuminations will follow.
I know I sound kind of esoteric and weird. This isn't the way I normally talk. But I have learned a lot studying Buddhism, and I hope my own realizations are helpful. If not, enjoy and embrace the weirdness and thank your deity of choice that you're not as weird as I am.
I hope everyone has a good day. I for one am hungry and need to make some dinner.
With metta,
Shelly
I am not a big believer in enlightenment as a fixed point in time. You get "enlightened" as it were, in small doses. I'm not entirely sure that it comes by fanfare and delightful visions, but in subtle realizations along the way.
I have been reading Brad Warner's Hardcore Zen and Sex, Sin, and Zen. I have always liked his style of writing but I had almost thrown the book across the room in frustration at the concept of "no-self." Obviously there is a self, I rationalized, otherwise who is reading the book (and getting increasingly frustrated at it?)? If there isn't a self, then why continue to take care of the body I was given by chance? Obviously, that is a nihilistic and ultimately uber-extreme interpretation of what he was saying. So I was at a point of being totally confused.
I received a little insight into this concept during my time out in civilization today. I have been mostly sticking around home feeling sorry for myself, but since it was the start of a new month I decided not to feel sorry for myself for a little while and get out of the house. I started travelling towards the community college, since I had taken a semester off to get my butt in gear and had pretty much stagnated from that point on. My parents have been wanting me to get back into school and try to get a volunteer position at a hospital here in St Louis so I could get some experience in medical clerical work so I could get a basic job to support my tuition fees as well as pay for my expenses. I have been fighting them for some time.
It wasn't that I was afraid of the actual process of applying for the volunteer position and going to school and reapplying for the certification program. It was something a little bit deeper, and in a sense more shallow. I don't care if my parents are right or I'm right or someone else is right in the long run, it is irrelevant. It was a deeper sense of acknowledging that I couldn't chase pipe dreams my whole life, and long for a distant future that would never happen. I was basically pursuing something that was illusory, because I didn't want to face the reality that the dreams I had would most likely not come to pass.
But, I sucked it up and went to the college, after a light meal to muster up my courage. I went to the school, took a deep breath, and went in.
It was uneventful. I was told to set an appointment with someone who would add me back on the roster for the HIT (Health Information Technology) program and I could probably start next year after I completed the Medical Terminology class. Just like that, I was in and out in five minutes. I decided if it was that easy, I would call the hospital to set up an interview. I figured that I was just building up this notion in my head and it probably wasn't going to be as bad as I thought it would.
True to my instinct, it was a 30-second call, I was booked for the next information session on the 8th and that was it. No fancy fixings, just like that it was over.
So what does that have to do with no-self? Bear with me, folks, I'm getting to it.
I realized that I was something more than the sum of my parts. It sounds otherworldly and shit, but seriously, I just thought about how I had put this off and I was damaging myself as well as the livelihood of other people in my life by simply remaining stagnant. I was keeping myself from growing emotionally, from stepping out of my comfort zone. I saw, in a subtle way, that my actions affected the livelihood and actions of other folks. If I didn't step out and volunteer, for instance, someone who needed help from a volunteer would not get that help. My fiancé would have to keep convincing me that I was worth investing in, a task that is no doubt exhausting. My parents would keep being nervous that I would never find a job or listen to them in any way. I realized, in a sense, that I was not an entity all to myself. My actions affected others.
Maybe it seems straightforward and obvious. But just because something is straightforward and obvious to one person doesn't make it so to another person. And that's why enlightenment can never be a fixed point, because there are so many things that come as an illumination along the way that are different for everyone. That's all it is, turning on a light in a room that was dark before. It's not as mythical as it sounds, nor is it the end. More illuminations will follow.
I know I sound kind of esoteric and weird. This isn't the way I normally talk. But I have learned a lot studying Buddhism, and I hope my own realizations are helpful. If not, enjoy and embrace the weirdness and thank your deity of choice that you're not as weird as I am.
I hope everyone has a good day. I for one am hungry and need to make some dinner.
With metta,
Shelly